Why Shows Fail

I have to admit, before actually working at Disney I didn’t care much for the parades or shows. As far as I was concerned, the times that shows were playing were the best times for riding the attractions surrounding those shows. However, after spending a lot of time with entertainment, I have become quite opinionated about the whole thing. 

One of the most mind boggling things to me is the consistent pattern of the company spending time and money on shows that any person in their right mind could tell you are incredibly lousy and doomed for failure. Many of their shows don’t even last a year and yet they spent boatloads of money on them. How does it happen? Why does it happen? Well, I’ll tell you.

It starts with an idea. Now I wish I could tell you it was an idea like “You know what would really be a cool show?” or “I just had this amazingly creative and artistic idea pop into my head for a show...” but I can’t. The idea usually comes from The Suits and starts more like this: “You know what’s been popular? Show’s like Turtle Talk and The Laugh Floor. Let’s make another one like that.” Or, “Nothing’s going on over in that area, let’s put a show there.” Or, my personal favorite, “You know what people love? Stitch and princesses. We need more shows with Stitch and princesses.”

Then they bring in people to carry out their dirty deeds. Possibly some very overworked show writer that has been writing pretty much the same show since 1980. Then, instead of giving this “creative team” the time necessary time to develop a show that could possibly be any good, they give them about a fourth of the time it takes and half the staff they would need.

After the underdeveloped show gets finalized, they bring in a director who probably won’t even be there half the time because he’s directing 7 other shows at the same time, and a choreographer who will probably make up the choreography as he goes and once again, the cast and crew will get about half the time they need to put this show on. It’s incredible to watch them do this over and over again. 

Aside from this atrocious method of show development, Disney does a few more things to set themselves up for failure. Something that I’ve noticed is their pattern for using the Abbot and Costello character roles over and over again. Let’s Have a Ball: Lucinda was Abbott, Simon was Costello. Storywalkers: The violinist was Abbot, the actor was Costello. Jack Sparrow’s Pirate Tutorial: Jack is Abbot, Mac is Costello (Since when did Captain Jack Sparrow need a silly sidekick anyway?). Hyperspace Hoopla: Guy with the Blue Jacket is Abbot, girl with the crazy hair is Costello. I could go on, but you get the idea.

Another thing I’ve noticed is a pattern of not thinking things through very well. Example: Storywalkers. Storywalkers was a little show they put in Asia at Disney’s Animal Kingdom that lasted probably less than a year. It was originally created because there is a dead spot in Asia between Expedition Everest and the siamangs (the apes in the temple) so they decided to put a show there. First mistake. Then they write a show with two characters that act like Abbot and Costello, but are dressed like they work at Pizzafari. Second mistake. Then they put this show in a major dead spot where people don’t care to see a show, because they are on their way to Expedition Everest. They could not get people to watch this show. I literally saw actors grabbing people walking by to try and get them to watch this sad show. Third mistake. So, to try and get people to watch this show, they moved it to two locations where people are standing around anyway, right outside the bathrooms and right below the roller coaster where people are waiting for their loved ones to get off the ride. Trouble is, when their loved ones get out of the bathroom or off the ride, they don’t want to be in your show anymore (They used “volunteers”). Fourth mistake. The fifth mistake was sound. At what point did they not recognize that setting a show between screaming monkeys and a roaring roller coaster with a giant body of water in front would completely drown out the sound? I remember watching one of the performers pause every time a car would come down that big drop on Expedition Everest so that she didn’t get drowned out by the rumble of the coaster and screaming of its riders.

Okay that’s small scale. Let’s look at something big scale. Stitch's Supersonic Celebration. Originally created because Space Mountain was going to be under some major maintenance and they didn’t want there to be dead space there. However, they didn’t seem to consider the fact that nobody has any reason to go to that part of the park when Space Mountain isn’t operating. Not to mention that a cheesy show can in no way compensate for missing out on a classic roller coaster.

Next, they thought they’d throw all the right ingredients together to make a good show: a little Stitch, a little music, a little dancing, girls in boots, and the ever so popular animated characters talking to audiences live. It didn’t really occur to them those things don’t always go together that well, and by the way, Stitch doesn’t really talk that much, but who cares about character integrity anyway, right?

Then there is logistics. An outdoor screen with no covering and the sun shining on it, means people can’t really see what is on the screen. An uncovered stage with no seating doesn’t really entice guests to stand in the blazing sun to watch a forty minute show.

And let’s not forget about content (the thing that should have been stimulus for the whole project, but instead is an afterthought). How did that script make it past someone’s desk, let alone into a full blown show? That host? That choreography? What were they thinking? I could have told you it was going to fail before they even started.

I thought that Walt Disney World was the only culprit for these obvious eye sores, but I was walking by the Plaza Inn at Disneyland the other day and saw this.

His name is Pat E. Cake and I can literally look at this picture and tell you this is not a good idea....but then I saw the show. He sings a terrible song and breaks out into a rap in the middle. See for yourself.

You know, after watching that video I really have nothing else to say about it.

So here’s my dream. No more crappy shows. It’s that simple. I want the parks to be full of things that I love as much as the Dapper Dans, the atmosphere characters on Main Street and Hollywood Boulevard, or the ragtime pianist pianist that plays in the evenings at Disneyland. Remember when you could go into the Diamond Horseshoe and see all those little variety shows and maybe a can-can or two? Those were the days (although I like the little band they have in the Golden Horseshoe, they can stay). It doesn’t seem like it would be that hard to come up with ideas that really add to the parks instead of take away from them, or at the very least, aren’t complete failures. But I guess it is.

Daredevil Circus Spectacular at EPCOT Center

Listen to this...

How do you seamlessly fit a circus into futuristic setting of Future World? You do it with this explanation:

“The four-times-daily, eight ring spectacle transforms CommuniCore into a ‘spacearena’ for an interstellar cast of spine-tingling acts -- some of the world’s most famous acrobats and thrill performers plus troupe of elephant-like Martian Mastodons performing on Future World’s fountain stage."

“With Mickey Mouse as a guest ringmaster, the 25-minute cosmic thrill show features high-riders balancing their Space Cycles on thin wires zooming up to the 100-foot-high midpoint of Spaceship Earth, a fet-speed trapeze act, an ‘astrobat’ atop a swaying space needle, and an equally brave ‘interplanetary mechanic’ who ‘repairs’ a wildly orbiting space station by fearlessly climbing about it as it hurtles through the atmosphere.”

If you didn't catch their performances in Russia, hopefully you saw them at EPCOT Center.

“...stars include the Wynn Family Troupe, led by Space Cyclist Hans, son Jay, and Carl, the intrepid space-station repairman; the Flying Rodriquez Family whose double-trapeze performance is one of the few free-world acts ever featured in the Moscow State Circus; daring swaypole performer Gary Sladick, and the Cristiani Elephants, four amazing pachyderms which have performed their ‘bullheaded’ and ‘light footed’ balancing act in world-class circuses.”

The Spectacular was part of the Walt Disney World 15th Anniversary in 1986-1987.

One thing is certain. The views of the park from up there must have been striking. Hooray for 1980s EPCOT Center!

The Future Was Fantastic in '57

A Look at Disneyland's Monsanto House of the Future

"Is everything of plastic?  Almost.  Dishes, cups, countertops, walls, floors, ceiling, tabletops, shelves, and cabinets.  Plastics in all their colorful, functional, and beautiful versatility have transformed a work area, have stepped it years ahead." 

It stood for a decade.  Ten thousand guests reportedly toured the home daily.  Monsanto presented it as what home living would be in the mid 1980s.  Many hoped to see this innovative home pop up in their own neighborhoods.  Sadly, this never became a common reality.  Nonetheless, we look back fondly at what it was:  An optimistic view of the future of everyday living.

Where was did it stand?  In the space between Matterhorn ('59), Sleeping Beauty Castle's entrance, and Tomorrowland's entrance.  (...where Pixie Hollow now stands and before that, Ariel's Grotto.... don't ask me why either were ever even considered for that spot.) 

"A feeling of space, of smooth, restful areas for living and resting. With your favorite stereophonic recordings on built-in high fidelity equipment."

"Even the scent of roses or salty sea air can be directed individually into every room."

As if David Hart's blog, The Invisible Agent wasn't cool enough, he has recently posted a bunch of great Monsanto House of the Future photos and artwork.

Critics of the house say the living space is too small.  I find the rendering below to be fascinating because it shows how you might expand your house.  "Futuristic models sprout wings where you need them."  2,560 square feet of house (on 512 square feet of foundation)  in the "Mansion" model with carport ain't too shabby.

The great Yesterland.com has gotten their hands on a great printed piece from Monsanto, "The Future Won't Wait" about The House of the Future.  They have shared it's contents in this must-read post.

I remember as a boy, my father telling me about learning of newfangled 'microwave ovens' in the house and just how incredible that was.  If given the chance, would I choose to live in a Monsanto House of the Future?  Yep.  If a mid-century ranch style house in the outer rings of the city of Epcot is not an option, I would.  I think motorized cupboards, a monitor in my bathroom showing who's at my front door, and the overall fun shape would be a real fly way to dwell.